If you’ve got any brains, you know that choosing a good place to settle down determines your entire bloodline’s chance at survival. Luckily, for those that are too lazy to find such a place for themselves, in this edition of my weekly review, I’ll be going over the “laws” of the mighty kingdom of Babylonia, currently, under the control of his majesty, King Hammurabi I.
Laws? What are those?
King Hammurabi has gone above and beyond and created his very own “law” code for all of us commoners to abide by and obey. What’s that? What’s a law you ask? Well, King Hammurabi has kindly laid out a hefty list of “criminal acts” along with their associated punishments. Did you slap your father across the face when you were arm wrestling him so that you could win? Uh oh, better say goodbye to those hands of yours since Code 195 states, “If a son strike his father, his hands shall be hewn off”. You better hope your dad isn’t mad about losing that arm wrestling match.
King Hammurabi created 282 laws for us to follow and inscribed them onto a stone despite the fact that barely anybody can read! That means if you’re reading this, congratulations! You have the extremely rare ability to be able to read! Nerd. Unfortunately, not being able to read is not an excuse to do whatever you would like! These laws are read out to those that are unable to read quite frequently. Let’s go over some of these so called “laws” that Hammurabi has decreed.
These “laws” are awesome!
Don’t you hate it when you get burgled four times in one month? Did those burglars steal all your grain and even Jeremiah, your favorite cow? Fear not! In the great kingdom of Babylonia, if your house is burgled and the robber is not found (If he is, rest assured, he’s not going to be breaking into anything any time soon), Code 23 states that you will, under oath (Take that, insurance scammers!), claim the amount of your loss, and your community will compensate you for anything you’ve lost! (Unfortunately, poor Jeremiah is probably a steak by now, bless his cow soul).
Tired of being exploited as a worker? Working tirelessly putting rocks onto other rocks without being paid? Good news! Hammurabi has enacted a wide variety of minimum wage laws for most professions (Now you don’t have to unionize! Although if you did, you’d probably be killed)! If you’re a field worker, Code 257 states that you are entitled to eight gur (~640 gallons) of corn per year (For any time travelers reading this, that is equal to about $460, given that a liter of corn is worth 0.19 USD)! However, make sure you do a good job, as Code 229 states that if you build a house for someone, and the house caves in due to your work being shoddy, you will be put to death.
Tired of those fake voodoo doctors that claim to be able to heal anything through “surgery”? In Babylonia, we make those “doctors” put their words where their mouths are. Code 218 states that if a physician kills you or cuts out your eye, his/her hands are cut off! Even though you may have died, at least you can rest easy knowing that that doctor can’t harm anybody else. (Besides if you’re sick in this day and age, you’re pretty much dead anyways, might as well take someone down with you).
Wow, these “laws” suck!
Love God but not willing to give up those sweet sweet alcoholic beverages? Code 110 states that if you are a priestess, and you open up a tavern, or enter a tavern to drink, you have the great privilege of being burnt to death! What kind of cruel King, dares to take away your right to Mimosa Mondays?
Hate your husband? Does he snore too loud at night, and won’t take out the trash? Want a divorce? Code 142 states that you must present your case for leaving your husband, and that you, have to not be part of the problem. If you’re lucky and your husband up and leaves you, you get to go back home to your father’s house with your dowry! On the other hand, Code 143 states that if you are not “innocent”, and you leave your husband, you get to take a nice bath by being thrown into a river!
Boss making fun of how you smell? I bet he thinks its real funny to not clean up the excrement his cows leave on your doorstep (For Shamash’s sake how hard is it to clean up after your cattle, its the whole reason why you smell!). Unfortunately, unless you’ve got a thing for being whipped in public, Code 202 states that if you strike a man higher in rank than you, you will receive sixty blows with a whip in public.
Law Code of Hammurabi: 7/10
Although there are some quite questionable laws within Hammurabi’s Code, there are plenty that are amazing. So long as you are not a woman (you’ll find it pretty tough, Babylonia is quite sexist), the minimum wage law, insurance against thieves, and workers being held accountable, makes Babylonia a great place to settle down, just don’t kill, hit, or rob anybody and you’re golden! 7/10.
Kevin Han is from Millburn, New Jersey and is a sophomore at Colgate University. He is currently majoring in computer science and is currently working with a professor on finding ways to teach new computer science students fundamental concepts.
