Laocoön’s Tinder Profile

About Me

You’ve probably already heard of me, but I doubt you know my whole story. People seem to have a lot of opinions about what I did in my past and how I ended up in my current, permanent(ish) position.

The three main things you need to know about me are:

1. I have two sons who never leave my side.
2. Religion is very important to me, and I was originally a priest from Troy.
3. I am extremely loyal to my city and will do anything to protect it.

If any of these are deal breakers, go ahead and swipe left now.

Now, I respect the gods very much, but I did something that made them quite upset with me. Some of my favorite theories are that I tried to warn my fellow Trojans against accepting the Greek’s big wooden horse, but Athena got mad at me for trying to spoil their epic strategy, so she sent two serpents to kill me and my sons. Or that I was sworn to celibacy as a priest, and Apollo got mad at me for marrying my wife and having my sons, so he sent the serpents (although I’m not currently celibate or I wouldn’t be on this app). Or that I was caught in the act with my wife in a sacred place, and either Poseidon or Apollo punished me by sending the serpents. If you want to know my version of it, let me tell it to you over a nice dinner sometime. My wife is no longer in the picture FYI.

In any case, the gods did me a favor, despite my great apparent anguish, because now my sons and I are immortalized as a marble sculpture, created by three famous Rhodian sculptors, Agesander, Polydorus, and Athenodorus. Today, I get to be admired by millions who come to visit me in my home in the Vatican Museums in the Vatican City. I’m kind of a big deal in the art world, and many acknowledge me as an essential canonical work of Western Civilization. I am so prized that I was stolen by Napoleon’s men during the French conquest of Italy and stayed there until Napoleon’s loss at the Battle of Waterloo when I was returned to my home. I guess I’m more lucky than my friend the Sphinx whose damage from Napoleon’s men is still visible today.

Pliny said I was the “work to be preferred to all others, either in painting or sculpture,” and many people have since considered me one of the greatest, if not the greatest, work of art in history. Johann Joachim Winckelmann, the “Father of Art History” famously described me as having “noble simplicity and quiet grandeur.” Personally, I don’t think there’s anything simple or quiet about me. 

When I was excavated from the vineyard of Felice De Fredis in 1506 by a crew including Michelangelo, Guiliano da Sangallo, and Guiliano’s young son, Francesco, the group was stunned by my beauty. I heavily inspired some of Michelangelo’s later work (but the theory that I was actually made by Michelangelo is completely bogus), and I left such an impression on Guiliano’s son that he became a sculptor when he grew up. You may have noticed I have an older photo in my profile. Do you prefer me with my arm outstretched or bent like it currently is? Michelangelo prefers it bent, but Raphael beat him out for outstretched (at least for a couple hundred years).

Of course, anyone of my caliber is bound to have haters, and I’ve certainly had my share. Charles Darwin claimed that my expression—a combination of my brow scrunched in agony while also furrowed in concentration—was physiologically impossible. He did have evidence from neurologist Guillaume-Benjamin-Amand Duchenne’s study using electrodes on subject’s faces, but I don’t understand why he had to chalk it up to a mistake by my sculptors. Then art critic John Ruskin slandered my snake attackers by claiming that biting me in the side is “false to nature,” since snakes that size are constrictors that would more likely strangle me than inject me with venom. Really, why is everyone so obsessed with realism?

My facial expression is beautiful and dynamic, conveying more emotion and providing more context to my plight than if my face was fixed in either agony or concentration alone. And as for Porces and Chariboea, they are mythical serpents sent by the gods (who really ought to be added to that list)! Who cares if they don’t act exactly like the snakes you know? Being constricted wouldn’t make for nearly as elegant a composition, and my snakes’ current flow really ties together my whole scene. My beauty transcends the naturalistic standards of my time, and that’s why I am regarded as such an exquisite work of art. You should really swipe right, as long as you’re not one of those uptight realists.

My Interests